Underrated: The Terribleness of the 2008 Grammys

Sometimes, I'm completely the man...

I was gonna write a post bitching and moaning about the 2008 Grammys; oh, believe me, I was. But what's the point? It's sort of after the fact (happened two whole days ago) and people have moved on. More importantly, the Grammys themselves will never change, no matter how much criticism they receive for being completely disconnected from the rest of the universe. The fact that the Grammys exist in its own nebulous where Alicia Keys is holy and everything can be solved with a interpretive-dance tribute concerns me none. Frankly, I think it's sad and a little pathetic that the U.S. does not have a valid award for musicians. Think about it. Despite what a lot of people think, the Oscars seem to get it right a lot, especially this year when two of 2007's greatest films, "No Country for Old Men" and "There Will Be Blood", are up for Best Picture. Even the Emmys have been pretty spot-on as of late; how else to explain the worthiness of winners like "30 Rock" and "The Sopranos"? Sure, some of the indie favorites get passed over, from "The Wire" to Wes Anderson's career, but at least there's a common denominator between critics and the awards for these mediums.

The Grammys, in comparison, are ass-backwards. They nominate popular artists because "popular" means "best" to them, but not BAD popular like Hinder or Nickelback, only GOOD popular, John Legend and Feist, the artists you can take home to mom. Obviously the Grammys are geared toward an older generation for viewership, which is why John Fogerty, Jerry Lee Lewis, and Little Richard scared the bejesus out of everyone with the night's final performance. But then what the hell is this? An awards show based around old-timey viewers? The nominations are already uninformed, why must we blindly pick musical performers as well? I mean... I have major beef(s) with LCD Soundsystem, but seriously, how in the name of fuck how can they appear in EVERY SINGLE TOP 10 LIST this year and not get one single nomination from what's supposed to be the quintessential music awards? That's the closest I'm getting into a rant, but I think that's a valid question. If nothing else, it forces even the most casual music fan to see a wild disconnect between the Grammys and the rest of the human world.

But enough of that. Even if I just inadvertently bitched and moaned, let's now turn to happier times: a list of four things about the 2008 Grammys that made me smile. In no particular order:

-- Daft Punk. That's right, somebody came up with a GENIUS idea to bring DP and Kanye together on stage for "Stronger", and I guess the thought had just never occurred to me up until I saw Mr. West dancing around that brooding French pyramid, but it was still pretty inspired. You gotta wonder how people like Bonnie Raitt and Ringo Starr reacted when they saw the pyramid open up and those two knucklehead robots doing their thing; I hope Bonnie's mind was fucking blown, and I hope Ringo was envious to be a part of that collective. The fact that they were just pressing random squares on a keypad, as if they were controlling every inch of music when they clearly were not, was pretty sweet too. Would anybody have minded if Kanye left the stage and they broke into some "Digital Love"?

-- That mind-warping gospel performance. The combination of Aretha Franklin's monstrous dress, that one guy who was waving a trombone around and clapping a lot, and the general air of "...okay, wait, what's this all about?" was one for the ages. What this nine-minute tribute to a irrelevant genre to the Grammys lacked in subtlety, it made up for in Israel and New Breed, and the Clark Sisters, and Trin-i-Tee 5:7, and about 78 other people. I couldn't help but smile as nothing made sense.

-- The guy who holds up the mirror so Morris Day can see how pretty he is, mid-performance. Poetic.

-- Herbie Hancock winning Album of the Year. I'm not even gonna relish in the fact that I PREDICTED THIS, on this here very blog, and felt very very smart when I heard the gasps and saw that old S.O.B. skip toward the stage. I just thought, "Good for Herbie Hancock. He proved that he could win Album of the Year with an album no one has ever heard of." What went down at the Grammys was an act of mischievous wonder: Hancock cracked the code. He exposed the Grammy's prejudice against new and interesting music. He proved that all you need is a fail-safe concept for your album (tribute to another great artist), the "classic" reputation, and a sprinkle of fairy dust, and you will have the year's Best Album. Will anyone take this award seriously after this, arguably a more ludicrous win than that one Steely Dan album and the 'O Brother, Where Art Thou?' soundtrack? Herbie Hancock has just imploded the Grammys. I bet he's still laughing. How can you not admire the guy?

Down To "The Wire": Midseason Thoughts

"He was in the glee club."

Technically, I've seen the first seven episodes of the fifth and final season of "The Wire", but I won't spoil anything about the two episodes that haven't aired yet. What's been interesting about season 5 for me is the fact that I can't inhale the eps like I did for the first 4 seasons using torrents; I 've basically had to watch one episode a week, and the days in between have been painfully long.

Midway through the season, I'm finding it difficult to locate where season 5 belongs on the greatness meter when compared to the other four seasons. The serial killer plotline and the way it's linking itself to Scott Templeton is arguably the center of this season, and it seems that, if you go along with the thread without holding a grudge, you'll enjoy the season more. Frankly, it goes against the grain of the show by being so unrealistic; c'mon, how many times have cops fictionalized serial killers for more police funding? If it's not a plotline straight out of a bottomfeeding "L&O" ep, it at least treats the gritty cop beat the way "House" treats standard medical practice. Personally, I think it's a lot more interesting to think of it more as a critique of our sensationalizing society (adding bite marks to draw media attention is a terrifyingly truthful detail) and a character study of McNulty. Sure, Lester's helping him with the dynamics and Bunk's reacting like a sane person, but Jimmy's leap off the deep end is pretty damn compelling, especially after his moral breakthrough in season four. Watching him deteriorate back into a drunk and a hound helps justify the looniest, most insubordinate idea he's ever had, but the fact that he's doing it to get police work done and nail a man who dropped 22 bodies and is ruling the West side -- a man who's case the mayor sort of dismissed -- somewhat rationalizes his out-of-the-box actions. This is a man pushed to the edge, a smart man who knows how to manipulate bosses and the media so that he can get the funding to drop Marlo. If you don't dig the serial killer plot (and trust me, I've had days of disapproval), at least recognize what a fascinating character McNulty is.

On the other side of the coin, somebody get Jamie Hector some kind of fucking award, because his performance as Marlo should be the stuff of legend. As if anyone doubted the cold-bloodedness of the kid, the way he dropped Prop Joe (R.I.P.) without batting an eye or saying more than "I was never made to play the son" was truly chilling. The best part about him is that he's ridiculously successful: with a connect to the Greeks and Joe out of the way, the kid's on his way to becoming untouchable. It'll be interesting to see whether or not McNulty and Lester can bring him and his goons down by season's end, or if they still takin over, one city at a time. My gut tells me that "The Wire" does not pull any punches, and will not gift-wrap a happy ending into their depiction of the streets of Baltimore, so I think Marlo stands upright at the end of episode 10. It would be damn depressing, but having the ultimate incarnation of evil succeed would be pretty historic as well (since the Patriots lost in the Super Bowl).

Of course, Marlo's gotta dodge Omar first (SPOILER: falling out of that window wasn't the last we'll see of Mr. Honey Nut Cheerio's). Slate.com's recent article on "The Wire" criticized the show for routinely suspending its realism so that Omar can stick around, and I gotta say, it's a valid point. I mean, how the HELL is that guy not dead yet? The window stunt was probably the deepest dip into Fantasyland yet. Omar is obviously a central figure and lovable character, but his wild-card status is starting to look a little cartoonish on a show this trench-deep in reality. Not saying I love my man Mr. Little any less, although I can almost guarantee that Omar will be a goner by season's end, especially with his newfound thirst for dispatching Marlo. As we've seen before, Chris Partlow does not fuck around. I'm all about Omar taking down the king, but my money's on Chris when the two square off.

And then there's the newsroom. I don't want to dwell on this part of the show in the same way I never want a particular episode to dwell on the Baltimore Sun storyline. I don't dislike what David Simon is doing here, but it doesn't really gel with the rest of the show in the way the school storyline or even the docks of season 2 did. I think that's because it's too removed from the drug trade, the streets, the central focus of the show. From the way Hamsterdam was shoehorned into the politics-driven third season to the way we watched Frank Sobotka and Michael Lee fall in with the wrong crowd of slingers, drugs and the violence they put into motion were always pretty central to the "Big Issue" storylines of "Wire" seasons. There's a feeling of disconnect surrounding Simon's analysis of a dying newsroom, and it makes it appear more agenda-driven than it probably is. It doesn't help that all of the characters are either good or bad (good: Gus, Alma, old-timey copy editors; bad: Templeton, guy who plays Doug in 'Flight of the Conchords', main editor/suspenders enthusiast), and that's about all. We understand that there are those who abide by the sacred laws of journalism and those who want to sharpen their resume by sensationalizing their writing, and this was interesting when it was a movie called "Shattered Glass", but it doesn't congeal with the world of cops, dealers and politicians that "The Wire" has established over four brilliant seasons.

My criticisms are probably magnified, though. Omar and the BS newsroom are realistic and entertaining enough to still allow "The Wire" to wear the Best Show On Television Without A Doubt crown. There's a ton more about the first five episodes that I could talk about -- the awesomeness of Carver, Method Man's rise to Emmy-worthy status, the "why spend so much time on this?" nature of the Clay Davis trial -- and if you want my opinion, feel free to comment. Truth be told, with only five episodes left (three for me!), I'm starting to get a bit misty-eyed. I guess I'm gonna start watching "Dexter" when it's over, even the CBS commercials for it look kick-ass.

TV Me: Why Under Armour Won Best Super Bowl Ad '08

I hated both teams playing in last night's contest. The Patriots are seemingly a team of endless assholes, while the Giants are the Giants, so as an Eagles fan I cannot root for them, especially when they have the most sinister-looking coach in the world. So last night I decided to have the least-football-influenced Super Bowl party ever: myself and my girlfriend and four female friends, none of whom really cared about the game of football. We brought in a pizza, laughed at Tom Coughlin, considered playing Guitar Hero, and were ridiculously excited for the stupid advertisements. Everyone wanted to see what would be the year's fan favorite, the one commercial sure to unite a nation. I didn't have to wait long for my pick.

The year? The future; specific things such as numbers no longer matter. The sky is a hazy dash of orange, and we are in a post-apocalyptic city, presumably destroyed due to years of economic decline, perhaps because of shoddy athletic apparel. There is a football stadium, and we see the Under Armour logo in the middle, suggesting an alternate universe where Under Armour is a football team. The only football team.

Holy fucking shit.

A narrator, speaking in some sort of Asian drawl, says, "All new prototypes... leave everything behind." We then cut to various good-lookings working out: a man with dreadlocks drags a tire (?) across a dusty alley, a woman weaves back and forth holding a cinder block in front of three humongous spinning fans, two people sorta fuck around on a big block of ice, etc. "We! Started this thing!" a more manly voiceover proclaims. "It's us! Versus them!" And then it cuts to a shot of Baltimore linebacker/accused murderer Ray Lewis, lifting what appears to be a gnarled scaffold in order to build a more perfect Under Armour universe. He looks calm, yet dissatisfied.

This is 30 seconds of the minute-long Under Armour commercial that aired during the first quarter of last night's game, and it was at about this point that I fell hopelessly in love with it. Combining a vague sense of confusion, people working out alongside incongruous hunks of metal, and Ray Lewis has ALWAYS proved successful, but this spot really goes the distance. What I find disconcerting is that everyone has appeared to callously ignore it. I have read at least a dozen articles today detailing the best and worst commercials of last night, and not a single one has mentioned this ad. The Coke commercial with the parade balloons seems to be the overwhelming favorite, and while I admit that it was cute, no one worked out on a block of ice in it, so it was automatically disqualified. On a side note, is it entirely possible that Budweiser, which has long been the leading advertiser for the Big Game, cannot find a single person who can think of better ideas for their ads? Does anyone enjoy them?

The Under Armour army grows and grows, and now the well-clad muscular dudes are banding together in the streets. They are clearly heading toward a similar location; one guy looks at another, who gives him a quick nod that conveys a "Yo, this shit is about to get REAL" attitude. The Under Armour leader is seen walking through a dark corridor, contemplating his speech for the masses. Suddenly we are at the rally, which is mobbed with people and decked with Nazi-like Under Armour banners streaming from the sky. Our fearless leader is restless.

"The game... has CHANGED!" he snarls. "It all starts... TODAY!" Reaction shots of his constituency; yeah, they know what the fuck's up, man.

"YOU... are the new prototypes! WE... are Under Armour!" The music swells. I'd like to mention that, in back of the leader, a large red TV screen is showing designs of sneakers, which may be the funniest thing I could ever think of showing at what appears to be a war-mongering speech. Suddenly the leader becomes enamored by the spirit.

"The FUUUUUTUUUUURE..... IIIIIIS.....

OUUUUUUUUUUUURS!"

I can't really convey how much I personally related to this ad. First of all, I want to make clear that I have no idea what the fuck is going on in it. These people are apparently training for something, something big, something that I can't imagine when the only war I know is one concocted under false pretenses. They are about to fight for something real. I don't really know what they're all about to do after this dude is finished his soapboxing about games and change and prototypes, but I know it's going to be awesome as hell. It sounds like they're gonna go to war, but with whom? Adidas? Maybe. They might be getting ready to compete in some sporting event, but what would require an army of thousands in order to win? But clearly something is starting today, and they are the new prototypes... hm. "Prototypes", that word troubles me. Are they all robots? Who is the "we" that the leader is referring to as Under Armour, their gods and creators? Perhaps Under Armour is launching a calculated coup upon the nation, in which UA-clad robots overthrow our government and establish UnderArmourocracy. Hey, Obama had an ad last night, maybe this was just a little less subtle.

...It's his eyes, that's what always get me. When the leader says "The fuuuutuuuure," he's so damn convicted to Under Armour that you cannot overlook his credibility. And his muscles; that's what lets me know that he's cool. The rest of the game I was anxiously awaiting a sequel to this spot, perhaps depicting an Under Armour revolution of sorts, with shots of Ray Lewis twisting the necks of Nike douchebags. There's always next year. Until then, I shall savor this poetic advertisement, and dream of a day when I myself am the new prototype. Keep your stupid Coca-Cola commercials. You say you want a revolution? Join the ranks of Under Armour, while you still can, bitch.