I hated both teams playing in last night's contest. The Patriots are seemingly a team of endless assholes, while the Giants are the Giants, so as an Eagles fan I cannot root for them, especially when they have the most sinister-looking coach in the world. So last night I decided to have the least-football-influenced Super Bowl party ever: myself and my girlfriend and four female friends, none of whom really cared about the game of football. We brought in a pizza, laughed at Tom Coughlin, considered playing Guitar Hero, and were ridiculously excited for the stupid advertisements. Everyone wanted to see what would be the year's fan favorite, the one commercial sure to unite a nation. I didn't have to wait long for my pick.
The year? The future; specific things such as numbers no longer matter. The sky is a hazy dash of orange, and we are in a post-apocalyptic city, presumably destroyed due to years of economic decline, perhaps because of shoddy athletic apparel. There is a football stadium, and we see the Under Armour logo in the middle, suggesting an alternate universe where Under Armour is a football team. The only football team.
Holy fucking shit.
A narrator, speaking in some sort of Asian drawl, says, "All new prototypes... leave everything behind." We then cut to various good-lookings working out: a man with dreadlocks drags a tire (?) across a dusty alley, a woman weaves back and forth holding a cinder block in front of three humongous spinning fans, two people sorta fuck around on a big block of ice, etc. "We! Started this thing!" a more manly voiceover proclaims. "It's us! Versus them!" And then it cuts to a shot of Baltimore linebacker/accused murderer Ray Lewis, lifting what appears to be a gnarled scaffold in order to build a more perfect Under Armour universe. He looks calm, yet dissatisfied.
This is 30 seconds of the minute-long Under Armour commercial that aired during the first quarter of last night's game, and it was at about this point that I fell hopelessly in love with it. Combining a vague sense of confusion, people working out alongside incongruous hunks of metal, and Ray Lewis has ALWAYS proved successful, but this spot really goes the distance. What I find disconcerting is that everyone has appeared to callously ignore it. I have read at least a dozen articles today detailing the best and worst commercials of last night, and not a single one has mentioned this ad. The Coke commercial with the parade balloons seems to be the overwhelming favorite, and while I admit that it was cute, no one worked out on a block of ice in it, so it was automatically disqualified. On a side note, is it entirely possible that Budweiser, which has long been the leading advertiser for the Big Game, cannot find a single person who can think of better ideas for their ads? Does anyone enjoy them?
The Under Armour army grows and grows, and now the well-clad muscular dudes are banding together in the streets. They are clearly heading toward a similar location; one guy looks at another, who gives him a quick nod that conveys a "Yo, this shit is about to get REAL" attitude. The Under Armour leader is seen walking through a dark corridor, contemplating his speech for the masses. Suddenly we are at the rally, which is mobbed with people and decked with Nazi-like Under Armour banners streaming from the sky. Our fearless leader is restless.
"The game... has CHANGED!" he snarls. "It all starts... TODAY!" Reaction shots of his constituency; yeah, they know what the fuck's up, man.
"YOU... are the new prototypes! WE... are Under Armour!" The music swells. I'd like to mention that, in back of the leader, a large red TV screen is showing designs of sneakers, which may be the funniest thing I could ever think of showing at what appears to be a war-mongering speech. Suddenly the leader becomes enamored by the spirit.
"The FUUUUUTUUUUURE..... IIIIIIS.....
OUUUUUUUUUUUURS!"
I can't really convey how much I personally related to this ad. First of all, I want to make clear that I have no idea what the fuck is going on in it. These people are apparently training for something, something big, something that I can't imagine when the only war I know is one concocted under false pretenses. They are about to fight for something real. I don't really know what they're all about to do after this dude is finished his soapboxing about games and change and prototypes, but I know it's going to be awesome as hell. It sounds like they're gonna go to war, but with whom? Adidas? Maybe. They might be getting ready to compete in some sporting event, but what would require an army of thousands in order to win? But clearly something is starting today, and they are the new prototypes... hm. "Prototypes", that word troubles me. Are they all robots? Who is the "we" that the leader is referring to as Under Armour, their gods and creators? Perhaps Under Armour is launching a calculated coup upon the nation, in which UA-clad robots overthrow our government and establish UnderArmourocracy. Hey, Obama had an ad last night, maybe this was just a little less subtle.
...It's his eyes, that's what always get me. When the leader says "The fuuuutuuuure," he's so damn convicted to Under Armour that you cannot overlook his credibility. And his muscles; that's what lets me know that he's cool. The rest of the game I was anxiously awaiting a sequel to this spot, perhaps depicting an Under Armour revolution of sorts, with shots of Ray Lewis twisting the necks of Nike douchebags. There's always next year. Until then, I shall savor this poetic advertisement, and dream of a day when I myself am the new prototype. Keep your stupid Coca-Cola commercials. You say you want a revolution? Join the ranks of Under Armour, while you still can, bitch.
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