Underrated: Posters For Leslie Nielsen Movies

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It Is TV. It's HBO/ List Madness/Down To "The Wire": Top Ten Coolest Characters on "The Wire"

Way down in the hole...

This post has been a long time coming. I have been back at school for about six or seven weeks now, and I have watched every episode of "The Wire" -- all 50 hours -- in that time period. I sort of messed up and (knowingly) started with season 2, because I couldn't find season 1 on any torrents and I figured that the difference between starting at 1 or 2 wasn't that huge. Boy, was this retarded. By the time I knocked off seasons 2-4, I basically knew everything that happened in season 1 (D'Angelo almost flipping, Wallace getting got, Avon being busted, etc.), so watching the entire first season in the past four days has been sort of anti-climactic.

But the past few months have been sort of miraculous nonetheless. I'm not going to talk about how "The Wire" is the best television show maybe ever, because you could read any other review of it to tell you that. Plus, when the fifth and final season starts up in January, I'm gonna be talking about that shit and giving it imaginary awards all day. No, right now I just want to pay tribute to it -- for providing me with such provocative, poignant, gritty entertainment over the past month and a half. I have composed a list of the top ten coolest characters on the show.

This is surely a flawed list: if Bunk Moreland (Wendell Pierce) didn't make it, it would have to be. Every character on the show is brilliantly acted, so this is not an acting award. These are the ten characters on "The Wire" that both entertain and effortlessly handle their shit. You laugh with them, root for them when they gun people down, and you cry when they catch a bullet. It's "The Wire" way.

I want to quickly justify some glaring omissions and shout-out some almost-made-it's, too. I found Avon Barksdale too stupid to be that cool (part of the reason I found season 1 the weakest), and his nephew D'Angelo too wooden. Brother Mouzone may be my least favorite character, because he doesn't exist within the believable parameters of the show's world. And policemen Herk, Carver, Rawls, and Valchek are too asshole-ish to admire. On the other hand, a few characters were SO CLOSE to making this list (just a quick rundown: Daniels, Bunk, Cheese, Bubbles, Slim Charles, Bunny Colvin, and all the kids in season 4) that I have to give them props. For those of you who don't watch the show, you're probably completely lost by now. I apologize (sorry Chris).

10. Councilman Thomas "Tommy" Carcetti -- played by Aiden Gillen

Carcetti is a staple character in seasons 3 and 4, and an odd choice for this list, because it's hard to be cool when you're running for mayor of Baltimore. Still, Tommy is a captivating character because you want to believe that the guy is actually a politician who's not full of bullshit and means what he says. Introduced as a hard-nosed councilman who bribes the police commissioner and sleeps around (not with the commissioner -- yet), Carcetti has evolved into a likable mayor with the help of cool motherfucker Norman Wilson, who deserves his own place on this list. I dunno, Carcetti's just sort of the man.

9. "Proposition Joe" Stewart -- played by Robert F. Chew

Another thing season 1 was lacking was the watchful eye and Southern drawl of Prop Joe, certainly the biggest character of them all. Frankly, it sucks that Proposition Joe isn't given that much to do in the show besides act as a level-headed mediary; even his pivotal plot at the end of season 2, where he organizes a deal with Stringer behind Avon's jailbird back, focuses more on how pissed-off Brother Mouzone gets by the whole ordeal. Anyway, Prop Joe is probably the smartest gangster in Baltimore's game; dude knows how to handle business without getting dirty or violent. He even has the sense to buy back the truck-sized package that Omar stole from him without batting an eye! If Jay-Z's line, "I'm not a businessman, I'm a business... man" refers to anyone on "The Wire", it's Prop Joe.

8. Det. Kima Greggs -- played by Sonja Sohn

Kima is the only female character on this list (Rhonda Pearlman was pretty close to it too), but it's hard to outshine a lady when she is as completely awesome as Greggs. The detective is pretty, tough, gay, and loyal, and although she does cheat on her girlfriend, her girlfriend's insufferably boring, so it's understandable. Maybe it's just me, but Kima Greggs is the one character I would wanna hang out with most in real life. I'm also glad that she's a lesbian, for some reason. Just adds to her awesomeness.

7. Marlo Stanfield -- played by Jamie Hector

Marlo Stanfield is a scary motherfucker. Characterized as an out-and-out sociopath, Marlo is made to be the sort of dude who will shoot his uncle in his balding head if he gets interrupted while watching "Access Hollywood"; if homeboy wants you toast, you're toast. But while this untouchability was once boring, season 4 opened Marlo up as a classic villain, even humanizing him through his relationships with Chris and Snoop. It helps that, for my money, Jamie Hector is the best actor on the show. Hell, the way Marlo Stanfield stands -- shoulders stretched back, like he's ready for battle -- is pretty cool. It'll be interesting to see how he's brought down in season 5.

6. Jimmy McNulty -- played by Dominic West

West is the "main character" of the show, which means absolutely nothing on "The Wire". If you don't believe me, check out the way he does NOTHING in season 4... and that's okay. McNulty is a flashy character, but his idiosyncrasies are better displayed when the spotlight's off of him. Yeah, we know he's a drunk, and a hound, and a damn good cop, but he's a lot more interesting when he's looking impatiently at his ex-wife or angrily throwing a file folder across a room when a witness dies. He's a well-drawn character, and compared to other protagonist cop shows, he's clearly the most relatable. Also, huge props for getting with Beadie Russell, who got crazy hot after the docks case, I guess?

5. Lester Freamon -- played by Clarke Peters

Lester is the coolest cop on "The Wire". Period. What could have been a tired Morgan Freeman impersonation is instead a fantastic example of the show's attention to detail. Over the course of the four seasons, Lester has been an essential part of the unit, whether it be busting into D'Angelo's pager or finding Marlo's bodies in the boarded-up houses. Not only is his backstory intriguing -- stuck it to the system, got put in the pawn-shop unit for thirteen years until they "forgot about him" -- but his current role as the wisened cop is so comfortable that it's impossible not to love the guy. Lester knows his shit, and nobody messes with him. Cedric Daniels didn't make this list because Lester Freamon IS Cedric, only cooler.

4. Preston "Bodie" Broadus -- played by JD Williams

Man, I did not see Bodie's death coming at the end of season 4. And I gotta say, I was more upset than I thought I should have been. But then it hit me -- Bodie, the corner stalwart who rolled with the Barksdale crew until it fell apart, is such a real character that you don't even notice his presence until it's taken away. Bodie is not the most likable guy (damn, why'd you have to do Wallace like that, B?), but he's the most unflinchingly honest portrayal of what happens when the corner chews you up and spits you out. Bodie's legacy will be slinging, and he knows it, but he's diligent and good at what he does, which traps him. As a character, Bodie is equal parts hilarious and ruthless; his swagger kept him afloat for a while. I'm gonna miss him.

3. Dennis "Cutty" Wise -- played by Chad L. Coleman

Shocking that I put him up this high, but let's face facts, people. Cutty's season 3 storyline, which chronicled his struggle to stay out of the projects and find his place in Baltimore after finishing a long bout in prision, was so un-"Wire"-like that it's hard to justify its huge presence as anything but "Cutty's just an awesome guy". His rebirth as a boxing coach is just so blissfully pure amidst the depressing arcs of "The Wire" that it's like rays of sunshine breaking out of dark clouds. Seriously, it's unbelievable to think that "The Wire", which is dedicated to exploring the decaying public systems of Baltimore, would give this guy such a positive outcome. Cutty is just a great guy. I will continue to unabashedly love him when the show returns.

2. Omar Little -- played by Michael Kenneth Williams

You gotta be kidding me. Omar? Not at #1? He's an openly gay gangsta with a big-ass scar on his face who robs drug lords of their stashes with the help of a shotgun! He cooperates with the police to give McNulty one of Barksdale's soldiers! He sometimes whistles "The Cheese Stands Alone" before an execution! Not even Marlo can pin a murder on him to get him convicted! Well, Omar's not #1 because he KILLED my choice for #1, but that's besides the point. Omar Little is a hero on the show, and adds a wild-card dimension to the entire Baltimore drug operation. Everything about the guy is superfly, like a Shaft who likes dudes (no pun intended). The only reason Omar's not dead by now is that the writers couldn't afford to lose his bravado. Can anyone bring this guy down??

1. Russell "Stringer" Bell -- played by Idris Elba

Oh Stringer. I hate the fact that Stringer Bell, Avon's second-in-command and brains of the Barksdale operation, is nowhere to be seen in the final two seasons of the show, but we'll always have those first three. Stringer Bell is one of the most enigmatic television characters ever created. He is surely a bad dude, but at times it seems like the good outweighs the evil. Sure, he runs the Barksdales while Avon's locked up, but he's more understanding than power-hungry, sharply contrasting with the irrational blood-thirst of the Stanfield crew in season 3. Stringer is college-educated, savvy, and really tall, but that's not my favorite thing about him. I love the fact that Stringer can do some terrible things, but they never seem grandiose; everything he does seems reasonable. Stringer hates the dirt he does, and wants nothing more than to soak in what he's accomplished and be satisfied with his winnings. The way he tries and inevitably fails to get out of the game by going legit is heartbreaking. After watching Omar and Brother Mouzone gun him down, I could barely breathe, and had to pace around my room for twenty minutes. "The Wire" constantly tries to create overreaching character arcs that connect with the audience and resemble tragic Greek figures. With Stringer Bell (who was wonderfully played by Idris Elba, by the way), the show accomplished this in stunning fashion.

This Week In Wu-Tang: "Watch Your Mouth"

Oh Raekwon, you don't have to flex for ME...

So I was wrong when I said that 8 Diagrams was never going to come out, a la Detox. Apparently it'll be upon us by the end of the year (maybe), and for the skeptics out there, the Clan have released "Watch Your Mouth" as the disc's first "single". If nothing else, we now have something to talk about.

As a single, "Watch Your Mouth" reminds me a lot of Kanye West's "Can't Tell Me Nothing": it doesn't sound like it would play well, if it ever gets played, on radio, because the beat is so knowingly grimy and can't compete with the shiny hooks and expensive synths of our new Hip-Hop, brought to you by T-Pain and Timbaland. Also like "Can't Tell Me Nothing", it's probably gonna sound a lot more convincing as a piece of an entire album. But because we don't have 8 Diagrams yet, we only have this to make a snap judgment on.

And what a groggy, terrified judgment that is. "Watch Your Mouth" as a much-anticipated rap single is bound to disappoint everyone except maybe the most die-hard Wu disciples, but those disciples are going to be mighty pleased to at least hear it. As CokeMachineGlow's review of the track put it, it doesn't matter how good this song is, because it is unmistakably a Wu-Tang song, and we need it. I won't simplify the song's vitality to that degree, but I gotta admit, when GZA comes in with, "Put my Clan in the front/ Reunite 'em," I smiled, because hey, for me Wu-Tang is still umistakably nothing to fuck wit.

Listening to "Watch Your Mouth" as someone who appreciates a replayable beat and understands that the genius of the RZA was once a foregone conclusion, however, it's hard to not be disappointed. A slinky string section descends into hell, sounding a little like a chopped version of the "Jaws" theme. There's a single drum doing its thing unsuccessfully in the background; to call it "boring" is to give it too much credit. And then there's the chant "You bet...ter watch... your moth...erfuck....ing mouth..", spoken by the Clan as if to convince themselves of their potency instead of us. This is lazy production. Even the out-of-place horns of Iron Flag's "Uzi (Pinky Ring)" at least had some unexpected pop compared to this depressing stomp. It's not like the Clan hasn't gotten a solid beat since 36 Chambers: "Protect Ya Neck (Jump Off)" and "I Can't Go To Sleep" were wholly original and impressive. Hell, listen to Supreme Clientele and see how bad RZA's fallen off. After "9 Milli Bros."'s refreshing comeback, this sounds flat. Somebody call MF Doom!

The Clan itself is hit-or-miss, and that's fine, because it'd be impossible for everybody to come hard on this track. Raekwon starts the ceremonies by having absolutely no fucking idea what to do with the beat, so he just sort of postures, quietly. Masta Killa sounds a lot more effortless in his flow, talking about guns and ninjas and what-not. The Other Killa has certainly become a respectable MC over the years, and could steal Inspectah Deck's role as Nondescript Cool Guy on the album. Method Man brings fire with "Rappers, ya TIME'S UP! Finish them RHYMES UP!", splitting up his verse with the most passionate "WU!" he could muster. It's unbelievable to think about how comfortable this guy sounds around the rest of the Clan, dropping highlight after highlight.

Pretty Tone almost comes in too early, then talks about tucking guns next to his belly and comparing Wu-Tang to George Foreman ("out in the streets, we grillin 'em!"), before making very little to no sense. All in all, another solid Ghostface verse. Inspectah Deck jumps in, all too briefly in my opinion, and "stomps the yard". U-God... goddammit, U-God. Sometimes you're really awesome, and then sometimes you say stuff like, "I'm like the Grouch/ My mouth is a circus". U-God's flow completely busts up Rebel INS' momentum, and wins the award of Worst Verse Of the Song. Then RZA comes in, and having just listened to his contribution five times in a row, I can honestly say it makes no impact on me whatsoever. He still sounds a little too stutter-y, and he lends some interesting dynamics, but all in all... meh. But then GZA arrives, fashionably late as usual, and he kills it, then brings it back to life, then kills it again. In the mere 20 seconds he's allowed the mic, GZA conjures up the best rhyme I've heard in a while ("No beef, less talk and more action/ You could roll as a whole and we'll send you back in fractions"). It's a turn of phrase like this that makes me believe in 8 Diagram's potential. Dude's the Genius!

I really believe that this song, which sounds so flawed right now, could work as a piece in Diagram's puzzle. Method Man, Ghostface, and GZA are all in form here, and Masta Killa looks like he's the secret weapon the Clan needs to score a touchdown. But no, I won't be banging "Watch Your Mouth" anytime soon, because as a single it's just a clumsy miscalculation. What we have here is the equivalent of a movie trailer: maybe I can't see all the pieces coming together out of context yet, but my interest is piqued, and I'm very excited for this album. It's nice to have SOMETHING, ya know?

But where's Cappadonna......?

....

DONNAAAAAAAAAAA!!

The Great Debate: "Amnesiac" vs. "Hail to the Thief"

OBEY!!!

So as we now all know, "In Rainbows" just came out, and the world is going to implode. Radiohead, the sneaky fuckers that they are, hid its release until September 30th, and now everyone's going nuts that a new Radiohead LP is upon us. But before we all delve into the paranoid headtrip "In Rainbows" totally is (and a great one at that), let's take a look back at their last two paranoid headtrips. Although they do not receive the mass acclaim of "OK Computer" or "Kid A", "Amnesiac" and "Hail to the Thief" are pretty fantastic records. The problem is that, unlike the former two, they're flawed. When you're a band as brilliant as Radiohead, it's difficult to release any material that's just really good, because people know you're capable of being even better.

"Amnesiac" and "Hail to the Thief" mark the point in Radiohead's career where they had already proven everything to everyone, and no longer had a singular sound; in fact, the point they made with "Kid A" was to destroy any semblance of their old "sound" and reshape into something else altogether. "Amnesiac", and especially "Hail to the Thief", are the recovery from that complete sound obliteration. They are the works of five men who have explored everything already, and are trying to figure out their next move. This could have been a problematic situation if this were any other band, but luckily, we were given two more albums of unbelievably compelling musics, songs that stick a toe into uncharted waters just because the band was feeling risky.

So which is better? Let's find out! Remember, almost everything here is completely subjective, so a lot of people are going to disagree with me. That's cool, bro. I'm also going to try to refrain from referring to any of Radiohead's other albums, and keep the battle strictly confined to these two works. Let's do it.

The Battle:

Better Opener: "Packt Like Sardines in a Crusht Tin Box" vs. "2 + 2 = 5"

This is an interesting battle, because these songs are so insanely different, but appeal to the strongest aspects of the band. "Sardines" is meticulously executed, insular, and filled with stuttering electro-blips; "2 + 2 = 5" is a mid-tempo wailer with a great guitar line until gloriously climaxing. They represent two of the song forms that Radiohead have perfected, and start off their respective albums at a high quality. I'm going with "2 + 2 = 5", and you could say that it's just a matter of taste, because I personally prefer the structure of the song to that of "Sardines" (damn man, when that guitar rolls in, I always get goosebumps), but I also think "2 + 2 = 5" is a more indispensable opening song. If anyone thinks this song can fit anywhere else on "Hail to the Thief" as effectively as in the opening slot, you are thinking incorrectly. Coupled with "Sit Down, Stand Up", the beginning of "Hail to the Thief" is pulse-pounding. While "Sardines" has its merits as an opener, I could see it standing anywhere on "Amnesiac" without much of a difference. Meanwhile, "2 + 2 = 5" is the Ichiro of "Hail to the Thief": you gotta lead off with this sucker! Winner: Hail to the Thief

Best Song: "Pyramid Song" vs. "There There"

Honestly, you could debate calling "There There" as "Hail to the Thief"'s best song; I would be more than understandable to arguments for "Backdrifts", "Go To Sleep" or even "Myxomatosis". "There There" is just the song I like best on "Hail to the Thief", I guess, and it's because I think it's the most genuinely exciting to listen to. The esoteric beginning, the lyrics, the way it all comes together to make a cracked anthem at the end... no no, the best part about "There There" is the vocal echoes in the second verse, which gets me EVERY time. I should probably be mentioning right about now that none of this matters (for this debate, anyway), because "There There", cannot and will not top "Pyramid Song", by far the best song on "Amnesiac". This is really no contest. This may be the best song Thom Yorke has ever sung. It kills me every time how Radiohead takes the most incomprehensible piano loop ever created and birthed something as gorgeous as this. If anyone ever debates the merits of "Amnesiac" and denotes it as an album of cast-offs or b-sides, they need to listen to "Pyramid Song" again. Winner: Amnesiac

Better Worst Song: "Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors" vs. "Sail To The Moon"

Again, this one really is no contest. Both of these choices are certainly debatable -- this match-up could easily be "Hunting Bears" vs. "We Suck Young Blood" -- but they're just the songs I will always, always skip when listening to the albums straight-through. I say that this is no contest because I fucking, fucking hate "Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors". My reasoning is threefold. My first reason is that it's just an awful experiment. I know that the song "Kid A" is kinda cool and completely captures the album's mood, but "Pulk/Pull" is a clumsy knock-off, just incomprehensible beats and a really high robot voice saying things I can only assume are annoying. I don't even want to look up the lyrics, they'd just piss me off I assume. My second reason is that the second utterly destroys the supreme high left over from "Pyramid Song" that could have easily carried over to "You and Whose Army?", another album highlight. What a terrible mistake Radiohead made, putting this crap in the crucial 3rd spot of the album and separating two gems. My third reason is simple: the song's OVER FOUR MINUTES. Of nothing. I just hate it. As for "Sail To The Moon"... listening to it again, it really is a weak song, and seems sort of unnecessary, but at least it's listenable (and, if I'm not mistaken, it's about Thom's kid, which is all right). I'd rather listen to "Rock N Roll Jesus" a dozen times (big up Kid Rock, R.I.P. Joe C.) than "Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors" again. Winner: Hail to the Thief

Better Sequencing: "Amnesiac" vs. "Hail to the Thief"

This one is very important to me. An album's sequencing could determine its overall effect, and for a band like Radiohead, which tries to create an original atmosphere with each new effort, the sequencing is key to an album's quality. While a lot of people gripe about "Amnesiac"'s seemingly random sequencing and how it exposes the album as a collection of b-sides, I think the album is rather specifically laid out, with most song transitions feeling organic enough to signal some sort of blueprint the band had for the record. "Hail to the Thief" also feels like it has movements, and for the most part, these tonal shifts work well. I'm going to give the edge to "Hail to the Thief", however, because for some reason it just FEELS more like a proper album than "Amnesiac", and the sequencing has something to do with it. It again may be a matter of personal preference, but the way that, say, "The Gloaming" feeds into "There There", as if the claustrophobic veil of the album's middle third is finally being lifted so that the listener can breathe... moments like this just don't occur as well on "Amnesiac". The way that the songs are arranged on "Hail to the Thief" may not be perfect, but it's strong enough to make an impact. When it comes down to it, "Hail to the Thief" is much more rewarding to listen to straight-through than "Amnesiac", which could just as well exist with all the songs on shuffle. Winner: Hail to the Thief

Better Length: "Amnesiac" vs. "Hail to the Thief"

Again, a matter of taste, but this is one of the major advantages that "Amnesiac" has over "Hail to the Thief": "Thief" is just too damn long. At 56 minutes and 14 tracks, some of the songs -- really good ones, too -- just get lost in the shuffle of this behemoth. It's not that the music here isn't tight; you don't here any wacky 5-minute solos that could be cut out. There's simply too many songs for one album, in my opinion. "Amnesiac" is a leaner album, at nearly 13 minutes less in length, and even with weak tracks like "Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors" and "Hunting Bears", the tracks establish themselves in the spotlight with greater ease. Most of "Hail to the Thief"'s tracks are superb, but some have trouble grabbing your attention when part of such a large whole. I mean, if we got rid of "Sail To The Moon", "We Suck Young Blood", "I Will", and "Scatterbrained", we'd all feel bad for a little while, but what we'd have is a more compact album, with every song fresh and vital. Oh well. Winner: Amnesiac

Less Pretentious: "Amnesiac vs. Hail to the Thief"

This is easy: have you checked out the duel titles on "Hail to the Thief"'s songs? "There There" is actually "There There (The Boney King of Nowhere)"? Oh hell no. I know the "Less Pretentious" award is not that prestigious, but "Amnesiac" has to win SOMETHING for not being involved with what sounds like an idea that Staind rejected for an album. Giving your songs two titles (one real, one secret, of course; oh the power of parentheses!) is not cool, it's just pretentious. Does ANYONE refer to these songs by both titles, or their alternate ones, or whatever? Come on. Sorry, Radiohead, I know being weird and mysterious is your thing, but you lost me on this one. Winner: Amnesiac

Better Closer: "Life In a Glass House" vs. "A Wolf At the Door"

This one -- the one that will decide the champion of this match -- is probably the toughest, because both of these songs are just really, really cool. "Life In a Glass House" is a complete departure for Radiohead, with so much back-alley brass blasting over Thom's sportier-than-usual vocals that this is damn near jazz. Yorke still sounds defeated, but the curious instruments give him company, and the result is remarkable. "A Wolf at the Door", meanwhile, starts innocently enough, with typical creepy Radiohead riff (an organ this time, if I'm not mistaken?) exploding into a Thom Yorke rhymefest. Dude's spitting fire on this one, and we never even saw it coming! His delivery gives the song its backbone because it is so unlike anything else on the record, or maybe even in Radiohead's catalogue. Both of these songs close off the albums almost impossibly good, since they summarize the moods of the records so closely while sounding as unique for both the album and the band as possible. They touch on new territories for the band, and are really breathtaking experiences; these songs are reason enough to merit Radiohead as truly talented. To pick one over the other is damn hard. I think if I'm being forced to choose though, I'm gonna have to pick "A Wolf At the Door", partially because it's a more fun listen, partially because it contains Thom muttering the lines "Dance you fucker, dance you fucker", but mostly because it represents why "Hail to the Thief" is a better album than "Amnesiac". As good as "Amnesiac" is, it just doesn't resonate as well, or take as many unexplored paths, or offer as many inescapably beautiful moments. "Life In a Glass House" is complacently enjoyable, but it doesn't haunt you as long as "A Wolf At the Door" does, and never provides a moment to match the 1:59 mark on "Wolf", where Thom bulls into the last verse on the album with unstoppable conviction. "Amnesiac" and "Hail to the Thief" are brilliant albums, but "Thief" just does a little more for me, like "Wolf" and "Glass House". Winner: Hail to the Thief

Final Tally: Amnesiac 3, Hail to the Thief 4

So there you have it; all hail "the Thief"! As long as it doesn't have "Pulk/Pull Revolving Doors", I'm okay with it.

Whatever, "In Rainbows" is better than both of them anyway.....