What Went Wrong/List Madness: Top Five Immediate Reactions to the Grammy Nominations

Well, the Grammy nominees were announced today, and this really interested me, because it forced me to put down the new Ghostface album and recognize what is going on in mainstream music right now. Obviously my personal tastes differ wildly from what is usually selected as the year's absolute best music by the most official music awards show (although the VMA's are always more fun to watch). Here were my five immediate reactions to the list of nominees, or the list of the nominees that matter:

1. Paul McCartney really, really shouldn't win anything.
The Grammys have always been notorious for rewarding artists who used to be really important but are now sort of irrelevant (Rolling Stone does the same). This year is no different, with John Mellencamp, Bruce Springsteen, and Bon Jovi all getting fatuous nominations. I don't really mind this, because it's absolutely expected, but I just can't stand seeing Paul McCartney, who is nominated in three major categories for work off his new album "Memory Almost Full", take any trips to the podium. "Memory Almost Full" is a piece of garbage, and this is an example of someone's name snagging nods for how big it is. REALLY, Paul, do you NEED to win for "Only Mamma Knows"? On a side note, Beck MUST win the Solo Rock Vocal Performance category, since he's going up against McCartney, Springsteen, Lucinda Williams, and, goddammit goddammit, John Mellencamp for "Our Country", the one in the commercials. I haven't even heard Beck's song "Timebomb", but it just has to fucking win. Probably gonna go to Springsteen, though. Which leads to...

2. Visible Snubs: Bruce Springsteen, Fall Out Boy, Fergie, Robert Kelly
Actually, I don't think Springsteen got snubbed, because I believe his album "Magic" was released after the Grammy deadline in early October. If not, though, I'm shocked that "Magic" didn't play like a wet dream to Grammy voters; next year it's probably going to own every category, so next year's gonna be a sad one. I'm not gonna discuss Fall Out Boy's complete omission now, because I'm going to give them such huge big-ups on my year-end album list, but their lack of a single nomination is a damn shame. As for Fergie, yeah, she blows, but with the exception of Akon, was there anyone more authoritative in the pop music landscape this year? She's only nominated in one major category, and for an awards show that admittedly rewards popularity, that's just not enough. Finally, I don't know if this is some courtroom backlash bullshit, but how the hell can R. Kelly be nominated in only one major R&B category, and for his collabo for Usher, "Same Girl"? I don't care if the man's out of his mind, "Double Up" is much more quality R&B offering than stuff from Emily King, Fantasia, or Raheem DeVaughn, whoever the hell that is. I guess my dream of seeing a performance of "Sex Planet", featuring R. Kelly dressed as horny alien, is shattered.

3. Most Interesting Category - Female Pop Vocal Performance
It's difficult to pick an intriguing category, because even the best horse races are typically cluttered with no-shot nominees, but this one's got five solid gals in the running: "Candyman" by Christina Aguilera, "1234" by Feist, "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie, "Say It Right" by Nelly Furtado, and "Rehab" by Amy Winehouse. You could easily pick "Rehab" as the front-running nomination, but since Winehouse got five others, voters might go a different route. "Candyman" is a fun song that's generally well-received (and appeals to older voters), and "Say It Right" has little buzz but some bravado Timbaland production. Although they're clearly dark horses, both have a shot to win. "1234" is an interesting nomination and certainly not the flashiest song here, but it's got the indie cred factor, and the Apple ads and surprisingly multiple nominations for Feist boost its profile. And then there's "Big Girls Don't Cry", the biggest song in terms of radio play, and Fergie's only major nomination. My gut is going with "Big Girls Don't Cry", but all of these nominations are pretty strong, and I'm happy with the category.

4. Impossibly Bad Best New Artist Nominations
Last year's Best New Artist, Carrie Underwood, was a really solid choice, because she was an actual new artist who was just beginning to release some well-accepted material. Also, Imogen Heap was nominated, and though it didn't make sense, it was definitely cool. This year's nominations... are baffling, to put it lightly. Taylor Swift, Paramore, and Ledesi are three of the five; I've sort of heard of the first one, and don't know anything of the latter two. Now, I know obscurity is no reason to bar someone from this category, but couldn't they nominate a new artist who is kind of well-known? Maybe some Plain White T's? Lily Allen? Lil' Mama woulda been awesome? Justice got nominated at the VMA's, why not throw them a hipster bone? The other two nominations are Feist, who's just been around for a while, and Amy Winehouse, who is sorta new enough to be nominated and inevitably nab this award. And for some reason I have a problem with this. Maybe it's because she's overhyped, maybe it's because she's bound to give up recording/living soon, but I cannot imagine naming Amy Winehouse best new artist of this year. But speaking of Amy...

5. "Rehab" will win Record of the Year, Kanye West's "Graduation" will win Album of the Year... probably
There is no doubt for me that Winehouse's song is gonna win her the award for the best song of the year. "Umbrella" poses some stiff competition, but my immediate reaction is that Winehouse is 2nd in nominations, and her album's not strong enough to win Album of the Year, so Record of the Year for the ubiquitous "Rehab" just seems logical. That leaves Kanyeezy to nab Album of the Year, and although I haven't discussed it, I really wanna give the Grammys props for consistently overlooking Kanye West's out-of-studio behavior and realizing he's a fucking genius. Giving "Graduation" 8 noms makes it loud and clear that, after 2 straight losses for Album of the Year, he's got a good chance to finally lock it in. His competition is pretty soft, too: Foo Fighters, yeah, okay, probably the most puzzlingly respected band of our generation, and their nom gives the Grammys rock cred, but I can't see them voting for something as big and loud as their latest effort. I'm not going to pretend I know anything about Vince Gill, and Herbie Hancock... oh good God. As soon as I saw his name attached to the Album of the Year list, a chill went down my back. Fuck. Hancock is a legendary blues artist, and he's collaborated with Miles Davis. Even if his album was a bunch of static, that gives him a huge edge. With the Grammys, street cred is determined by how old/close to death you are. Yeah, but it's okay, it's Kanye's year, just because a guy's old doesn't mean he can win.

Then I saw the album he was nominated for: "River: The Joni Letters", which is a JONI MITCHELL TRIBUTE ALBUM. Oh dear God, Hancock, you may have just stumbled upon a checkmate. Grammy voters love the combination of old people and tributes -- witness the Ray Charles tribute album inexplicably winning Album of the Year three years ago -- and you've just combined two respected old people into one tribute! But then, Herbie Hancock, you thought, "Ay yo, fuck it, if I'm goin for Album of da Year, I'm goin all out!" And you did what only the most evil man could: you brought in Norah Jones, Corinne Bailey Rae, and Tina Turner for guest vocals! Jones and Rae form two parts of the four-part Grammys Wanna Have Our Babies foundation (John Mayer and John Legend the other two), while Turner is yet another old, respected artist.

So let's see: legendary old jazz musician brings in beloved young talent and other legendary old artists to perform a tribute album to another legendary, old artist.

Wake up, Mr. West. You just got F'ed in the A.

God, I hope "Graduation" wins, and I really think it will, but it's hard to compete with the perfect storm of Grammy bullshit. Herbie Hancock is probably in some lair right now, laughing sinisterly and thinking, "Why even have any other nominees at all?" Goddamn you, Herbie Hancock.