Subtitled "Clash Of The Titans"...
I'm surprised that no one else (that I know of) has debated this so far, because the career trajectories of these two weird-voice singers are so similar. Take a look at the current Hot 100 singles right now: these guys have maintained a tag-team lockdown of the radio for a good month. Are these our new pop stars? Two black guys with high-pitched voices and a knack for emoting way too much? I would say that these guys are both flash-in-the-pan hits who will disappear in a few weeks, but I won't for a few reasons. First of all, I've been wrong about that before (props for still being relevant, Sean Paul), and second, I don't really believe it. To me, Akon is this year's Usher/Nelly/50 Cent: the guy who has a million singles being released during the summer, with each one seeming to do well simply because his name is on them. T-Pain hasn't reached that sort of ubiquity quite yet, but he's got a #1 single, a #1 album, and, if you take all of his lyrics to heart, several boatloads of willing women. But who is better, Akon or T-Pain? I'm here to figure it out -- mathematically.
Akon's earlier work reflects an overwhelming amount of emotion that's both endearing and confusing. The song "Locked Up" actually holds up pretty well as a reggae/hip-hop/jailbird song, and by all accounts should have been a bigger hit when it was released. His second single, "Ghetto", is not as appealing, simply because it sounds EXACTLY like "Locked Up". Then came "Lonely", with those Kanye chipmunks assisting another old soul hit that's being revived. Critics hated "Lonely"; that is because "Lonely" sucks. In these three songs, I sort of get the feeling that Akon's taking himself WAY too seriously; stories about prison, the ghetto, and um, being Mr. Lonely are all admirable, but c'mon man, crack a smile once in a while! Show them pearly whites! On the other hand, T-Pain performed beautifully in the Not-Giving-A-Fuck-About-Serious-Issues category with "I'm In Luv (Wit A Stripper)". There's a lot to love here: the downright wacky synth riff that starts it all off, the way T-Pain constantly wants to bring the girl back to his crib to do "his night thang", the fact that this song is actually about being in love with a stripper and is stone-cold sincere. And, after he claims that she can pop it AND lock it, it's not hard to see why he loves that ho.
With all due respect, however, neither one had an illustrious career before this year. That's why, when Akon stormed back onto the charts with the poignant "Smack That" and the heartfelt "I Wanna Fuck You", people with half a brain were disgusted that this guy was allowed another crack at fame. Goddamn, both of those songs are terrible; they don't make much sense, feature unlistenable guest verses (by Eminem and Snoop, respectively), and just sorta repeat their titles a lot. After that, just when you thought Akon had already overexposed himself, "Don't Matter" became a neo-reggae anthem, and "The Sweet Escape" got stolen right away from Gwen and became Akon's excuse to shout things a lot. Meanwhile, T-Pain was saying adorably nutty things on "I'm A Flirt (Remix)". Is this contest an Akon beatdown?
Don't close the books just yet. Akon has recently earned a large amount of props for the hook on "We Takin Over" and for helping Bone Thugs be cool again with "I Tried" (does anybody else feel sorry that that song's not a sequel to Macy Gray's "I Try"?). Both songs are terrific... but hold the phone, T-Pain's got a new song called "Buy You A Drank"!! Just when you thought Akon had this thing locked for being a part of legitimately good songs, T-Pain roars back by doing what he does best: being retarded and knowing it. Seriously, sometimes I think this guy only exists in my dreams. "Buy You A Drank" is hilarious on first listen, terrible on second listen, curiously weird on third listen, outstanding on fourth listen. It can't match the star power of "We Takin Over", but "Buy You A Drank" is the best kind of junk food: easy to see its problems, but much easier to enjoy.
So who wins? "Locked Up" or "I'm In Luv (Wit A Stripper)"? "We Takin' Over" or "Buy You A Drank"? Both have interesting songs, funny voices, and oversized egos. But you have to ask: has T-Pain ever wildly humped a fifteen-year-old girl? Since the answer's probably yes, you then have to ask: has he ever done it on stage in front of thousands of people? The answer is no, and because Akon has unabashedly humped the underage, T-Pain wins! Ladies and gentlemen, the winner, and still a complete nutball... T-PAIN!!!
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