The Great Debate: Better Soundtrack: "Batman and Robin" vs. "Austin Powers 2"

Goddamn. I know I want to start this blog off with some fireworks, but this debate is simply too hard. However, I'll try to chip away at an age-old mystery.

Undoubtedly, both of these soundtracks provide music for the shittiest examples of sequels. "Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me" is mind-blowingly derivative and focuses on the most tiresome aspects of humor -- fat bastards, sexually suggestive names, lots and lots of dick jokes -- with gags that we had already seen executed better (sort of) in "AP 1". "Batman and Robin", meanwhile, suffers from the inexcusably bad direction of Joel Schumacher, who likes to throw confetti at things that need subtlety. Both films feature blonde chicks in silly disguises, boneheaded lead performances, and star-studded soundtracks; unfortunately, I barely remember any of these songs in the actual films, save for Dr. Evil's "Just The Two Of Us" part. I remember thinking that the song was really funny when I first saw it, and now I just can't forgive myself for it.

The "Spy Who Shagged Me" soundtrack's got it at track 6, sandwiched between a cover of "Word Up" by Melanie "Scary Spice" G and a genre-smashin' instrumental by Green Day. Let's just say the disc's middle third ain't its best. Worse yet is Lenny Kravitz's bitch-esque cover of the Guess Who's "American Woman", which strips the original of its ballsy attitude and replaces it with safe dad-rock. Seriously, who enjoys this guy? Who looks at Lenny Kravitz and says, "Yeah, that guy's the MAN"? Obviously quite a few, cuz homeboy's paid.

What elevates "AP 2"'s soundtrack are a pair of old reliables. "Beautiful Stranger" by Madonna came right around the time she was making her William Orbit-assisted, techno-sweet comeback with the "Ray Of Light" album, and this single simply continues her, um, mojo. Stupid video featuring Mike Myers aside, this single is exactly the sort of effortless pop that Madonna should be making, and finally got back to last year with "Hung Up". An elliptical guitar riff surrounds Madonna until she absolutely kills it on the chorus, which is just, for lack of a better word, fun. Meanwhile, The Flaming Lips have a track from "The Soft Bulletin" buried at number 9, obviously because the person who decided the sequencing of this soundtrack believed that Wayne and co. could never match the legendary Scary Spice. Whatever. I know that "Buggin'" has nothing to do with "Austin Powers", and that there are other classic songs on this soundtrack, like "My Generation" by The Who. But damned if I'm not gonna give props to "The Spy Who Shagged Me" soundtrack for having an absolutely killer song off an absolutely killer album. I feel like, if I owned this soundtrack, I would regret paying for it for eight tracks, and when the ninth track rolled around, I would be all smiles.

Speaking of smiles, imagine my reaction when I saw that the first two tracks of the "Batman and Robin" soundtrack were from, respectively, Smashing Pumpkins and Bone Thugs N Harmony! Granted, the two bands basically sound the exact same; some would even say that Billy Corgan steals a lot of vocal techniques from Bizzy Bone. But I'll give them both a break, and say that both the Pumpkins' "The End Is the Beginning Of the End" and Bone Thugs' "Look Into My Eyes" are acceptable, if a little predictable, soundtrack offerings. Then, all of a sudden, at track 3, who but Robert "I Believe I Can Fly" Kelly, with another inspirational soundtrack opus titled "Gotham City". The song is priceless simply for being ABOUT Gotham City, a fictional place which R. classifies as "a city of love", even though it's, um, not. Haven't you even seen the movie, Kels? Don't you know Gotham City's the darkest, shittiest place you could ever live, a place where there's so much crime that a dude needs to dress up like a bat just to stop some of it? "Gotham City" is a hilarious ballad, one that R. Kelly will one day look back on and say, "...Damn, what was I on when I wrote that shit?"

The rest of the "Batman and Robin" soundtrack is pretty standard fare -- a generic Goo Goo Dolls song, a funky-ass Eric Benet cut, and Jewel's "Foolish Games", for some reason. There's a song called "Poison Ivy" by Me'shell Ndegeocello, which is about the character Poison Ivy and how dangerous she is... which is cool, I guess.

So who's it gonna be, you ask? Which soundtrack is worth saving from that big bin of retail discs at the record store and taking home for three bucks? It's all a question of consistency. "Batman and Robin" has a bunch of songs you'll shrug your shoulders at, but nothing overly terrible; it's basically comprised of listenable but forgettable pop-rock and r&b. "Austin Powers 2", on the other hand, is a lot rockier; for every gem, there's about two tasteless train wrecks, and one has Lenny Kravitz attached to it. You have to take into account that soundtracks are generally more focused on scoring with a few big hits than a smooth trip; that is to say, you shouldn't expect a well-structured, involving soundtrack unless your movie is called "Purple Rain". It's easy to see where I'm leaning: "Austin Powers" has a song from "The Soft Bulletin", a great Madonna song, "My Generation", and, yes, Scary Spice. You know that that's pretty much unbeatable. Nice try, "Batman and Robin", but aside from the glorious travesty of "Gotham City", you just aren't that interesting.

By the way, R.E.M. has a song featured on both soundtracks. Odd coincidence? Or proof that Michael Stipe needs to stop saying "sure"?