Things I Like/Dislike About Ron Howard And His Family: Clint Howard, "(New Wave) Dog Day"

It's hard just to look...

Project: The 1983 song "(New Wave) Dog Day", by the Kempsters

Howard Involved: Clint... lead singer of the band

Description of Project: Dear God. Clint Howard, world's coolest ugly guy, our most clearly personified example of nepotism, was the lead singer of a rock band named the Kempsters. Currently opening for the Who, the Kempsters have achieved multiplatinum... nah I'm just kidding. They're a simple instance of a rock band getting a shrivel of the spotlight because a member is (arguably) famous. The song is called "(New Wave) Dog Day", and it's a by-the-numbers punk song from the '80s.

Clint Howard's Role In Achievements/Failures: Sorry Clint, "(New Wave) Dog Day"'s flaws are all on you, buddy. You'd expect the song of a Clint Howard to sound pretty ragged, but it actually is sort of bouncy with a simple surf-rock structure. The guitar lick is pretty catchy, and the rest of the instrumentation is fairly tight. The reason that "(New Wave) Dog Day" is terrible seems to solely rest on Mr. Howard. As a lead vocalist who doesn't play an instrument, you need to be able to sing, and sadly Clint Howard has pipes that even Chad Kroeger would even shake his empty head at. The song is performed in sort of a snarl, with Howard repeatedly mugging in the video and barking orders to the millions of people watching. As the rest of the band plays their instruments dutifully, Clint dances around them like a goading monkey, commanding his troops with unsightly bravado. The lyrics aren't too savory either: "Acting this way too long! I don't tell the room to run! I'd blow out my brains to get away from the pain, but it wouldn't be much fun!" is a sample verse, and sung/talked by Howard, it's unlistenable. I mean, I don't wanna take potshots at the guy, but c'mon, he doesn't contribute one good thing to the song.

Interestingly, I enjoy watching "(New Wave) Dog Day"'s makeshift video for several reasons. First of all, Clint Howard has hair: it's orange like Ron's and stringy like Bozo's. Also, the enthusiasm from the rest of the band is pretty surreal. You can sort of tell that they fucking worship Clint, and think he is the coolest guy in any room. I'd also like to point the drummer's facial expression at 1:13, because it terrorizes my dreams regularly. Everyone's wearing referee-esque black-and-white stripes, and Clint is sporting some spiffy suspenders. Finally, the dancing that Clint Howard performs in the video is absolutely worth giving the video a look. He sort of spaz-dances, but in an assured way: constantly shaking the mic that he's holding in his gnarled hand and weaving from left to right, as if to pounce at any second, Howard is admittedly awkward but is enjoying the hell out of himself. My personal favorite part is at 1:27, where it looks like he's lost control of his shoulders and is trying to see how far he can go with that development.

Like/Dislike: Oh hell, how can you NOT like this? The song sucks, sure, but that was a given. Howard knows that the band is bollocks, but you know, he's really having a ball with his soon-to-be-departed hair. Plus, there's a reason that this will go down in history: it forever dispells the myth that you have to look good to be the lead singer of a band. If you show me a picture of someone you think is uglier than Clint Howard, I will proceed to tear up the picture and direct you to my laptop's tiled background of a Clint Howard picture, which shall burn your eyes with the heat of a thousand suns. No, Clint Howard is ugly's spokesman, and he was the lead singer of the Kempsters! Sure, it immediately doomed the band from attaining any kind of success, but it still has to be looked at as groundbreaking. Clint Howard basically does whatever the hell he wants, and if he wants to be the lead singer of a shitty punk band, no one can stop the man. No one should. He continues to be an inspiration. "(New Wave) Dog Day" makes me like Ron Howard and his family significantly more.

Yeah, we'll see. Just wait until I discuss "Lady in the Water".

Things I Like/Dislike About Ron Howard And His Family: "Cocoon"

Welcome to a new segment of the blog! I have a very conflicted view of the Howard family; some things they do I really enjoy, and other things are wastes of time. I will break down what each project is, what Howard member was involved in each project, their role in its overall achievements/failures, and whether I like them more or dislike them more because of such roles. Hey, let's get started!

Project: "Cocoon", a wacky 1985 sci-fi comedy starring perennial old guys Wilford Brimley and Don Ameche.

Howard Involved: Ron, who directed the film

Description of project: After breaking out with "Splash" in '84, Howard returned with "Cocoon", which follows a group of senior citizens who find a group of kindly aliens living in a pool near their retirement home. The pool contains large brown cocoons where other aliens are stored; when the old men swim in the pool, they are filled with youthful vigor. The aliens are kindly folk and invite some of the old dudes to return with them to their planet, and live forever! Can Wilford Brimley and co. make the decision to leave earth and their mortality?

Ron Howard's role in achievements/failures: "Cocoon"'s a nice-enough movie. You got a pretty silly plot, sure, but it's got a big heart and at least tries to ask some tough questions, whatever. Howard's never been an overbearing director, and it's easy to see here that he was trying to let the light-hearted story speak for itself. And yeah, you can classify this as an entertaining-but-not-really-good movie, but there's two things that earn it -- and Howard -- major props. First off, you have to notice the dream-team cast. Wilford Motherfuckin' Brimley absolutely kills it in the lead, and Don Ameche, who won an Oscar in the role, is a solid geriatric wing-man. Old-timey Jack Gilford plays the asshole senior citizen Bernie, who ends up emotionally breaking down in a surprisingly affecting sequence. Brian Dennehy plays the leader of the aliens, which is weird, and Steve Guttenberg (boo-yah!) plays a guy who somehow gets to hang out with the aliens a lot (I think it's because he owns a boat that they use, or something)!! Clint Howard even pops up as a nursing home attendant. Ron really lets Brimley and Ameche run the show, however, and their characters are fairly likeable in the long-run.

The other reason that Howard gets major kudos from me is this: "Cocoon" has, by all accounts, the craziest damn sex scene I have ever seen. Reasons why it is jaw-dropping: it involves Steve Guttenberg and an alien. And they never touch.

Yes, my friends, we all know the old story: Guttenberg meets pretty alien, Guttenberg falls hard, Guttenberg gets hard in a magical pool, and thus the inter-planetary breeding begins. How many times have we seen it? Yet, "Cocoon"'s sex scene is done beautifully: Guttenberg and the alien (named Kitty) go in the pool, and you can feel the sexual tension rising. Magical lights literally start flashing above the pool, and the girl orgasms, presumably from aroused "life-energy". Sweet. It has to be seen to be appreciated, but I will say this: in what could have been treated as another snuff alien/flashing-light porn scene is handled by Howard with a subtle delicacy. Love has never felt so real.

Like/Dislike: C'mon man, who DOESN'T appreciate a movie with this sort of absurdity making enough money to earn a sequel, being critically praised, and winning a great actor an Oscar? "Cocoon" was made with the same sort of whimsy Howard added to "Splash"; this was way before Howard started doing heavy-handed dramas like "Apollo 13" and "Ransom" in the '90s. I guess the general reaction to Howard's involvement with "Cocoon" should be: "Oh really, Ron Howard directed that? Weird. That's pretty cool, I guess." For making "Cocoon" I like Ron Howard a little bit more.

Damn you, Howard family. The war over my opinion of you rages on.