My Week With Mono: The Beauty of "Derailed"

So when I was in the middle of my week with mono, "Derailed" was on Showtime at like midnight. That night I had planned to watch some "Flight of the Conchords" and fall asleep around 12:30, but I dunno, for some reason I started watching this. Not that there was any palpable reason to. My friend said that this movie was so bad that he fast-forwarded it and only watched the scenes with the RZA (more on that later). But I like Clive Owen, and I like the concept of Jennifer Aniston being in dramas/not always smiling, and I turned it on during the scene where Owen's character tells Aniston's character something like, "I bet I can kiss you without ever touching your lips." All right, Clive Owen. I'll play your game, at least for a few scenes.

I ended up watching the whole damn movie, because frankly, I couldn't muster the will to change the channel. "Derailed" is a preposterous, overwhelmingly stupid film, but if you tell me that it isn't entertaining, I will call you a liar. It's not a terrible movie, but it seems more ridiculous than it is because it continuously stays within the Clint Eastwood realm of look-at-me-frown, give-me-an-Oscar seriousness. I mean, Jesus, Owen and Aniston may take part in the first smile-less affair ever. But just when you think it's a humorless mood piece, in struts Bobby Digital as Clive Owen's friend named Winston, and Mr. X to the Z himself Xzibit as a muscle named Dexter. The fuck?

Anyway, so Charlie (Owen) and Lucinda (Aniston) are both married and (from what I gathered, missed the first 10 minutes) started flirting on a train. They decide to get a room at Sketchy Hotel (hearing Rachel Green say the line, 'I think... I want to fuck you' was pretty unnerving), but before they get down to bizness, a French (?) robber named Laroche (Vincent Cassel, reprising his role as smirking prick from 'Ocean's 12') waves a gun around, knocks Charlie the fuck out, and rapes Lucinda. They can't call the cops because of their cheatin' ways, and when Laroche calls Charlie asking for a couple grand, Clive Owen's brow furrows and more trouble arises.

From there, the CRAZIEST shit starts happening. There's one scene in which Laroche shows up to Charlie's house and tells his wife and kid that he's a colleague, and then when the family's out of the room, he fucking stabs Charlie and tells him to give him $100 grand. Later, the RZA is shot in the face mid-sentence. Then a prostitute propositions Charlie, and when he says no, a cop pulls up and yells at Charlie for not taking on the whore. There are two major plot twists at the end (one is fairly easy to predict, the other makes literally no sense whatsoever), and I won't reveal too much, but I will say this: Xzibit dies like a prince, and Clive Owen's character quickly transforms from a complete moron into the smartest man alive. A quick word on the RZA: ya gotta wonder how he got the part of Winston, Clive Owen's witty pal who works in the mailroom, likes hockey and "Johnny motherfucking Cash", and has killed man in prison before, but dude does a pretty good job with the role. Some would say he is even the best rapper/actor in the film, narrowly trumping Xzibit and Jennifer Aniston.

Director Mikael Hafstrom has more recently explored the limits of arty popcorn flicks in last year's "1408", which similarly had multiple asinine endings. Although that film tailed off about 45 minutes in, the entirety of "Derailed" is amazingly transfixing. I can't really explain it. The plot moves forward very quickly, never taking too long to explore any backstories or delve into Charlie's brooding psyche. These are not good qualities, but then, this is not a good movie; if "Derailed" is unaware that it is an illogical mess, it certainly recognizes that its story must unfold without any hesitation to prove effective. Charlie's problems are ever-evolving, and as he gets deeper and deeper into trouble, the audience gradually begins to pity him/root for him. It's not hard when you've somehow got an actor as mannered as Clive Owen doing whatever he can with a character constantly being put in ludicrous situations. Despite all of its flaws, when the climax approaches and Owen is getting ready to get him some revenge, you're not going to criticize its gaping flaws, you're gonna pump your fist and wait for someone to finally punch the shit-eating grin off of Vincent Cassel's face.

Man, what a great guilty pleasure, if only for this exchange:

Winston Boyko: Hey Chaz, you feeling okay?
Charles Schine: Yeah, I'm ok.
Winston Boyko: You sure? You look like you comin' down with that bug or somethin'.
Charles Schine: It's nothing.
Winston Boyko: Nothing? That's what Dick Lumberg said.
Charles Schine: Who's Dick Lumberg?
Winston Boyko: Nobody. That motherfucker's dead!

Priceless. RZA should do comedy!